Christopher,

I wish you told me that something was wrong, I would ask over and over if you were ok but you would just smile and say “Yeah Mom I’m fine”. I remember you when you first began to walk, the first time you said “hello” and the first time you called me Mom. I wish I could go back and figure out where everything went so wrong.

You used to have a natural smile, a beautiful love for those around you. That smile has faded over the years and I haven’t seen one that wasn’t forced since you were 16. You were the model student with perfect grades. You lead your baseball team in runs for two years in a row; I remember cheering your name when you broke the school record. I always felt like I was a good parent but I guess I was mistaken. When did it all go so wrong?

I wish I was looking for the signs that were so obvious at the time, I just thought you were going through a phase like most teenagers do. I would’ve never imagined that it was as bad as it was. I should’ve done something when I saw your grades going down but you convinced me it was fine. I should’ve done something when I noticed your sleep patterns changing, but you told me you were ok and just stressed out. I should’ve done something when I noticed your personality and temperament do a 180, but I just thought you were growing and facing the normal stresses of a teenager. Deep down I think I knew, but the power of denial is an amazing thing.

Your father and I thought that maybe you were depressed and that a change of atmosphere may do you good, that’s why he took you with him to California for 2 weeks last summer, but that didn’t work. We called a therapist hoping they would help but you said you were fine and refused to go.

You just turned 18 a week ago, I was so excited for you to move onto the next chapter of your life, but instead we’ve reached the end. I still see you as my little boy, the boy who would smile, the boy who could make a friend in an instant because of his glowing personality. Loving an addict stopped me from taking action.

Heroin took that boy from me. Heroin stole your innocence and stole your joy. It turned you into a zombie that no one recognized. I wish I walked into that bathroom just a minute or so earlier, then maybe you would still be alive. I wish I did something sooner, but I didn’t know how to help you. I didn’t know that it was like this.

I will always love you son and I’m sorry if I let you down as a parent. I wish I knew the signs of heroin addiction and the signs of drug abuse. Maybe then I could’ve saved you, maybe then I could’ve heard you call me Mom just one last time.

I love you and I always will,

Mom

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